Hey, so I'm still here

Jul. 13th, 2017 09:26 am
iamshadow: Five pointed star surrounded by shattered glass from the Cap 2 credits. (Glass star)
[personal profile] iamshadow
So, here's a potted summary of stuff, I'll probably forget some things and may update as necessary.

* We have given up Hill End, for good. My furniture should arrive today and be put for the most part into Mum's new shed, in case it's needed in the future. I'd like to say I'm gutted about losing it, but to be honest, I'm just glad it's over. It was such a stress trigger for the past three or so years that hopefully, I'll be able to step back from it now and move on.

* My mental health has not been good. My anxiety has been super bad. Got six sessions with a psych, eventually, which was... ineffective at best. She was not a bad person, just not what I needed. I'm moving on, on my own. I have plans that aren't conventional, but then, I need something outside the conventional. I am implementing some longterm goals.

- Books: Read more, buy less, ditch the baggage (Have begun on this with the best of intentions at author surname AA - Rivers of London by Ben Aaronovitch)
- Try to get back into exercising (I've put back on about 6kg)
- Seek adult ADHD dx (I need this. Having a self-dx is no longer enough. I need professional support and guidance. For now, reading You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy 2nd Ed and have Delivered From Distraction waiting in the wings.)
- Colouring in (I know it's a trope and the world has moved on, but I used to draw and colour ALL THE TIME to cope, all through school and into my early adulthood and just starting on a page in a book I paid under $20 for was so hard that I know it's important for me to work this back into my life.)
- Write. (I've begun what may be an autobiographical novel or may just be me writing out the noise that's in my head. It's unclear yet if it's something I ever tidy up and show anyone, but showing it's the point of it, right now.)
- Knit. I recently delivered a whole bunch of knit stuff to Wayside Chapel, and am continuing to knit more. I know it sounds strange, but I need to knit, and knitting for charity means I can do the thing without wondering where I'm going to keep it all. Also, long term goal of stashbusting.
- Tarot. (I know this sounds weird, but I know it's a way that I can use. For me, tarot has never been about magic, it's about finding answers and direction within yourself. It's about focusing in on a particular thing you might otherwise overlook without a prompt. I was on the lookout for my tarot cards, which I'd owned since I was in my teens. When I found them, they'd been destroyed. Completely unusable. So I knew I wanted to replace them. I managed to find a set identical to mine on eBay, which, great, but I also found another set, a newer, completely different set, that called to me-as-I-am-now the way the old set had called to me-as-a-teen. So, after some discussion, I have ordered both. Mum is paying for them, as it was her neglect of my belongings that led to the destruction of the old set and so many of my other things. They should both arrive early next month. My old set was the Celtic Dragon Tarot. The new is the Wild Unknown Tarot. They're both incredibly beautiful, slightly unconventional decks that have art that sings to me and should hopefully help me in my life. I'm not at this moment planning on buying more, but ones I also covet are the Welcome To Night Vale Tarot, the Earthbound Oracle and the Next World Tarot. So gorgeous.)

* Have been watching a bunch of Vera (we have the season 1-6 box set) in anticipation of season 7 on Foxtel. Also have box sets waiting of Agents of SHIELD 2-3, Once Upon A Time 4-5, and a bunch of other films and Marvel stuff to watch. Feeling more open to new stuff, now, since the anxiety is bearable right now. I loved Wonder Woman, and am definitely buying it on release, in steelbook if they have one. We haven't seen Spider-Man yet - we're waiting on pay day.

* The animals are all doing okay. Pip is old and arthritic, but isn't so underweight as he was around Christmas. The boy kittens are up for desexing in the next week or so, as we have discount certificates for them as part of a drive by the Animal Welfare League. They're sleek and affectionate and Sam in particular loves cuddles and purring really loudly. We think they're about eight months old. Nick, their mother, is fat! Fluffy, but also fat. We're having to watch how much food we put down in a day, because she'll scoff the lot. I feel better about her being fat than I did about her starving in our front garden, as she was until about February, when she relocated to the back yard.

* The tomatoes are still alive, but fruiting less now that the winter's fully here. The nasturtium is still vigorous, the chillis are delicious, the kale is too little to harvest yet and the rhubarb needs using, because it's loevly, and I keep forgetting. The sage is beautiful and the lavender I thought I'd killed in the summer is thriving. We have so much citrus fruit. Lemons and blood oranges, limes and makrut limes, and so many mandarins it's silly. I must make marmalade or citrus butter or something.

* Emma has had bad days and better days and bad patches that she's just had to wait out or slog through. She's got back into hydrotherapy, which is good, and has a great GP right now, which is getting the ball rolling on a lot of things she's needed for decades, but those things are stressful in their own way, too. She's had to be dealing with my problems, too, which I know she doesn't resent or anything, but it doesn't make it easier on her when I'm not as able to help her out as I would be were I well. I want to be well - for her, but also, for me too. I'm tired of everything being so hard, and I'm ready to force a change in my life, even if it's the hardest thing I've done.


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July 2017


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